Decline and Fall Page 3

  Paul went to the bath and was rewarded some minutes later by hearing the shuffling of slippers down the passage and the door furiously rattled.

  As he was dressing Philbrick appeared.

  'Oh, I forgot to call you. Breakfast is in ten minutes.

  After breakfast Paul went up to the Common Room. Mr Prendergast was there polishing his pipes, one by one, with a chamois leather. He looked reproachfully at Paul.

  'We must come to some arrangement about the bathroom, he said. 'Grimes very rarely has a bath. I have one before breakfast.

  'So do I, said Paul defiantly.

  'Then I suppose I shall have to find some other time, said Mr Prendergast, and he gave a deep sigh as he returned his attention to his pipes. 'After ten years, too, he added, 'but everything's like that. I might have known you'd want the bath. It was so easy when there was only Grimes and that other young man. He was never down in time for breakfast. Oh dear! oh dear! I can see that things are going to be very difficult.

  'But surely we could both have one?

  'No, no, that's out of the question. It's all part of the same thing. Everything has been like this since I left the ministry.

  Paul made no answer, and Mr Prendergast went on breathing and rubbing.

  'I expect you wonder how I came to be here?

  'No, no, said Paul soothingly. 'I think it's very natural.

  'It's not natural at all; it's most unnatural. If things had happened a little differently I should be a rector with my own little house and bathroom. I might even have been a rural dean, only' ‑ and Mr Prendergast dropped his voice to a whisper ‑ 'only I had Doubts.

  'I don't know why I'm telling you all this, nobody else knows. I somehow feel you'll understand.

  'Ten years ago I was a clergyman of the Church of England. I had just been presented to a living in Worthing. It was such an attractive church, not old, but vey beautifully decorated, six candles on the altar, Reservation in the Lady Chapel, and an excellent heating apparatus which burned coke in a little shed by the sacristy door, no graveyard, just a hedge of golden privet between the church and the rectory.

  'As soon as I moved in my mother came to keep house for me. She bought some chintz, out of her own money, for the drawing‑room curtains. She used to be "at home" once a week to the ladies of the congregation. One of them, the dentist's wife, gave me a set of the Encyclopaedia Britannica for my study. It was all very pleasant until my Doubts began

  'Were they as bad as all that? asked Paul.

  'They were insuperable, said Mr Prendergast; 'that is why I am here now. But I expect T am boring you?

  'No, do go on. That's to say, unless you find it painful to think about.

  'I think about it all the time. It happened like this, quite suddenly. We had been there about three months, and my mother had made great friends with some people called Bundle ‑ rather a curious name. I think he was an insurance agent until he retired. Mrs Bundle used very kindly to ask us in to supper on Sundays after Evensong. They were pleasant informal gatherings, and I used quite to look forward to them. I can see them now as they sat there on this particular evening; there was my mother and Mr and Mrs Bundle, and their son, rather a spotty boy, I remember, who used to go in to Brighton College by train every day, and Mrs Bundle's mother, a Mrs Crump, rather deaf, but a very good Churchwoman, and Mrs Aber ‑ that was the name of the dentist's wife who gave me the Encyclopaedia Britannica ‑ and old Major Ending, the people's warden. I had preached two sermons that day besides taking the children's Bible-class in the afternoon, and I had rather dropped out of the conversation. They were all talking away quite happily about the preparations that were being made on the pier for the summer season, when suddenly, for no reason at all, my Doubts began. He paused, and Paul felt constrained to offer some expression of sympathy.

  'What a terrible thing! he said.

  'Yes, I've not known an hour's real happiness since. You see, it wasn't the ordinary sort of Doubt about Cain's wife or the Old Testament miracles or the consecration of Archbishop Parker. I'd been taught how to explain all those while I was at college. No, it was something deeper than all that. I couldn't understand why God had made the world at all. There was my mother and the Bundles and Mrs Crump talking away quite unconcernedly while I sat there wrestling with this sudden assault of doubt. You see how fimdamental that is. Once granted the first step, I can see that everything else follows ‑ Tower of Babel, Babylonian captivity, Incarnation, Church, bishops, incense, everything ‑ but what I couldn't see, and what I can't see now, is, why did it all begin?

  'I asked my bishop; he didn't know. He said that he didn't think the point really arose as far as my practical duties as a parish priest were concerned. I discussed it with my mother. At first she was inclined to regard it as a passing phase. But it didn't pass, so finally she agreed with me that the only honourable thing to do was to resign my living; she never really recovered from the shock, poor old lady. It was a great blow after she had bought the chintz and got so friendly with the Bundles.

  A bell began ringing down a distant passage.

  'Well, well, we must go to prayers, and I haven't finished my pipes. He took his gown from the peg behind the door and slipped it over his shoulders.

  'Perhaps one day I shall see Light, he said, 'and then I shall go back to the ministry. Meanwhile ‑

  Clutterbuck ran past the door, whistling hideously.

  'That's a nasty little boy, said Mr Prendergast, 'if ever there was one.

  CHAPTER V Discipline

  Prayers were held downstairs in the main hall of the Castle. The boys stood ranged along the panelled walls, each holding in his hands a little pile of books. Grimes sat on one of the chairs beside the baronial chimneypiece.

  'Morning, he said to Paul; 'only just down, I'm afraid. Do I smell of drink?

  'Yes, said Paul.

  'Comes of missing breakfast. Prendy been telling you about his Doubts?

  'Yes, said Paul.

  'Funny thing, said Grimes, 'but I've never been worried in that way. I don't pretend to be a particularly pious sort of chap, but I've never had any Doubts. When you've been in the soup as often as I have, it gives you a sort of feeling that everything's for the best, really. You know, God's in His heaven; all's right with the world. I can't quite explain it, but I don't believe one can ever be unhappy for long provited one does just exactly what one wants to and when one wants to. The last chap who put me on my feet said I was "singularly in harmony with the primitive promptings of humanity." I've remembered that phrase because somehow it seemed to fit me. Here comes the old man. This is where we stand up.

  As the bell stopped ringing Dr Fagan swept into the hall, the robes of a Doctor of Philosophy swelling and billowing about him. He wore an orchid in his buttonhole.

  'Good morning, gentlemen, he said.

  'Good morning, sir, chorused the boys.

  The Doctor advanced to the table at the end of the room, picked up a Bible, and opening it at random, read a chapter of blood‑curdling military history without any evident relish. From that he plunged into the Lord's prayer, which the boys took up in a quiet chatter. Prendergast's voice led them in tones that testified to his ecclesiastical past.

  Then the Doctor glanced at a sheet of notes he held in his hand. 'Boys, he said, 'I have some announcements to make. The Fagan cross‑country running challenge cup will not be competed for this year on account of the floods.

  'I expect the old boy has popped it, said Grimes in Paul's ear.

  'Nor will the Llanabba Essay Prize.

  'On account of the floods, said Grimes.

  'I have received my account for the telephone, proceeded Dr Fagan, 'and I find that during the past quarter there have been no less than twenty‑three trunk calls to London, none of which was sent by me or by members of my family. I look to the prefects to stop this, unless of course they are themselves responsible, in which case I must urge them in my own interests to make use of the village post‑office, to which they have access.

  'I think that is everything, isn't it, Mr Prendergast?

  'Cigars, said Mr Prendergast in a stage whisper.

  'Ah yes, cigars. Boys, I have been deeply distressed to learn that several cigar ends have been found ‑ where have they been found?

  'Boiler‑room.

  'In the boiler‑room. I regard this as reprehensible. What boy has been smoking cigars in the boiler‑room?

  There was a prolonged silence, during which the Doctor's eye travelled down the line of boys.

  'I will give the culprit until luncheon to give himself up. If I do not hear from him by then the whole school will be heavily punished.

  'Damn! said Grimes. 'I gave those cigars to Clutterbuck. I hope the little beast has the sense to keep quiet.

  'Go to your classes, said the Doctor.

  The boys filed out.

  'I should think, by the look of them, they were exceedingly cheap cigars, added Mr Prendergast sadly. 'They were a pale yellow colour.

  'That makes it worse, said the Doctor. 'To think of any boy under my charge smoking pale yellow cigars in a boiler‑room! It is not a gentlemanly fault.

  The masters went upstairs.

  'That's your little mob in there, said Grimes; 'you let them out at eleven.

  'But what am I to teach them? said Paul in sudden panic.

  'Oh, I shouldn't try to teach them anything, not just yet, anyway. Just keep them quiet.

  'Now that's a thing I've never learned to do, sighed Mr Prendergast.

  Paul watched him amble into his classroom at the end of the passage, where a burst of applause greeted his arrival. Dumb with terror he went into his own classroom.

  Ten boys sat before him, their hands folded, their eyes bright with expectation.

  'Good morning, sir, said the one nearest him.

  'Good morning, said Paul.

  'Good morning, sir, said the next.

  'Good morning, said Paul.

  'Good morning, sir, said the next.

  'Oh, shut up, said Paul.

  At this the boy took out a handkerchief and began to cry quietly.

  'Oh, sir, came a chorus of reproach, 'you've hurt his feelings. He's very sensitive; it's his Welsh blood, you know; it makes people very emotional. Say "Good morning" to him, sir, or he won't be happy all day. After all, it is a good morning, isn't it, sir?

  'Silence! shouted Paul above the uproar, and for a few moments things were quieter.

  'Please, sir, said a small voice ‑ Paul turned and saw a grave‑looking youth holding up his hand ‑ 'please, sir, perhaps he's been smoking cigars and doesn't feel well.

  'Silence! said Paul again.

  The ten boys stopped talking and sat perfectly still staring at him. He felt himself getting hot and red under their scrutiny.

  'I suppose the first thing I ought to do is to get your names clear. What is your name? he asked, turning to the first boy.

  'Tangent, sir.

  'And yours?

  'Tangent, sir, said the next boy. Paul's heart sank.

  'But you can't both be called Tangent.

  'No, sir, I'm Tangent. He's just trying to be funny.

  'I like that. Me trying to be funny! Please, sir, I'm Tangent, sir; really I am.

  'If it comes to that, said Clutterbuck from the back of the room, 'there is only one Tangent here, and that is me. Anyone else can jolly well go to blazes.

  Paul felt desperate.

  'Well, is there anyone who isn't Tangent?

  Four or five voices instantly arose.

  'I'm not, sir; I'm not Tangent. I wouldn't be called Tangent, not on the end of a barge pole.

  In a few seconds the room had become divided into two parties: those who were Tangent and those who were not. Blows were already being exchanged, when the door opened and Grimes came in. There was a slight hush.

  'I thought you might want this, he said, handing Paul a walking stick. 'And if you take my advice, you'll set them something to do.

  He went out; and Paul, firmly grasping the walking-stick, faced his form.

  'Listen, he said. 'I don't care a damn what any of you are called, but if there's another word from anyone I shall keep you all in this afternoon.

  'You can't keep me in, said Clutterbuck; 'I'm going for a walk with Captain Grimes.

  'Then I shall very nearly kill you with this stick. Meanwhile you will all write an essay on "Self‑indulgence". There will be a prize of half a crown for the longest essay, irrespective of any possible merit.

  From then onwards all was silence until break. Paul, still holding his stick, gazed despondently out of the window. Now and then there rose from below the shrill voices of the servants scolding each other in Welsh. By the time the bell rang Clutterbuck had covered sixteen pages, and was awarded the half‑crown.

  'Did you find those boys difficult to manage? asked Mr Prendergast, filling his pipe.

  'Not at all, said Paul.

  'Ah, you're lucky. I find all boys utterly intractable. I don't know why it is. Of course my wig has a lot to do with it. Have you noticed that I wear a wig?

  'No, no, of course not.

  'Well, the boys did as soon as they saw it. It was a great mistake my ever getting one. I thought when I left Worthing that I looked too old to get a job easily. I was only forty‑one. It was very expensive, even though I chose the cheapest quality. Perhaps that's why it looks so like a wig. I don't know. I knew from the first that it was a mistake, but once they had seen it, it was too late to go back. They make all sorts of jokes about it.

  'I expect they'd laugh at something else if it wasn't that.

  'Yes, no doubt they would. I daresay it's a good thing to localize their ridicule as far as possible. Oh dear! oh dear! If it wasn't for my pipes, I don't know how I should manage to keep on. What made you come here?

  'I was sent down from Scone for indecent behaviour.

  'Oh yes, like Grimes?

  'No, said Paul firmly, 'not like Grimes.

  'Oh, well, it's all much the same really. And there's the bell. Oh dear! oh dear! I believe that loathsome little man's taken my gown.

  * * *

  Two days later Beste‑Chetwynde pulled out the vox humana and played Pop goes the Weasel.

  'D'you know, sir, you've made rather a hit with the fifth form?

  He and Paul were seated in the organ‑loft of the village church. It was their second music‑lesson.

  'For goodness' sake, leave the organ alone. How d'you mean "hit"?

  'Well, Clutterbuck was in the matron's room this morning. He'd just got a tin of pineapple chunks. Tangent said, "Are you going to take that into Hall?" and he said, "No, I'm going to eat them in Mr Pennyfeather's hour." "Oh no, you're not," said Tangent. "Sweets and biscuits are one thing, but pineapple chunks are going too far. It's little stinkers like you," he said, "who turn decent masters savage."

  'Do you think that's so very complimentary?

  'I think it's one of the most complimentary things I ever heard said about a master, said Beste‑Chetwynde; 'would you like me to try that hymn again?

  'No, said Paul decisively.

  'Well, then, I'll tell you another thing, said Beste-Chetwynde. 'You know that man Philbrick. Well, I think there's something odd about him.

  'I've no doubt of it.

  'It's not just that he's such a bad butler. The servants are always ghastly here. But I don't believe he's a butler at all.

  'I don't quite see what else he can be.

  'Well, have you ever known a butler with a diamond tie‑pin?

  'No, I don't think I have.

  'Well, Philbrick's got one, and a diamond ring too. He showed them to Brolly. Colossal great diamonds, Brolly says. Philbrick said he used to have bushels of diamonds and emeralds before the war, and that he used to eat off gold plate. We believe that he's a Russian prince in exile.

  'Generally speaking, Russians are not shy about using their titles, are they? Besides, he looks very English.

  'Yes, we thought of that, but Brolly said lots of Russians came to school in England before the war. And now I am going to play the organ, said Beste‑Chetwynde. 'After all, my mother does pay five guineas a term extra for me to learn.

  CHAPTER VI Conduct

  Sitting over the Common Room fire that afternoon waiting for the bell for tea, Paul found himself reflecting that on the whole the last week had not been quite as awful as he had expected. As Beste-Chetwynde had told him, he was a distinct success with his form; after the first day an understanding had been established between them. It was tacitly agreed that when Paul wished to read or to write letters he was allowed to do so undisturbed while he left them to employ the time as they thought best; when Paul took it upon him to talk to them about their lessons they remained silent, and when he set them work to do some of it was done. It had rained steadily, so that there had been no games. No punishments, no reprisals, no exertion, and in the evenings the confessions of Grimes, any one of which would have glowed with outstanding shamelessness from the appendix to a treatise in psycho-analysis.

  Mr Prendergast came in with the post.

  'A letter for you, two for Grimes, nothing for me, he said. 'No one ever writes to me. There was a time when I used to get five or six letters a day, not counting circulars. My mother used to file them for me to answer ‑ one heap of charity appeals, another for personal letters, another for marriages and funerals, another for baptisms and churchings, and another for anonymous abuse. I wonder why it is the clergy always get so many letters of that sort, sometimes from quite educated people. I remember my father had great trouble in that way once, and he was forced to call in the police because they became so threatening. And, do you know, it was the curate's wife who had sent them ‑ such a quiet little woman. There's your letter. Grimes' look like bills. I can't think why shops give that man credit at all. I always pay cash, or at least I should if I ever bought anything. But d'you know that, except for my tobacco and the Daily News and occasionally a little port when it's very cold, I don't think I've bought anything for two years. The last thing I bought was that walking‑stick. I got it at Shanklin, and Grimes uses it for beating the boys with. I hadn't really meant to buy one, but I was there for the day ‑ two years this August ‑ and I went into the tobacconist's to buy some tobacco. He hadn't the sort I wanted, and I felt I couldn't go out without getting something, so I bought that. It cost one‑and‑six, he added wistfully, 'so I had no tea.